


Intermezzo

by MidoriKurenaiYume



Series: Overture [1]
Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Betaed, Established Relationship, F/M, Group chat, Mentioning of drinking, Online Conversations, Parody, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:19:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10076747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidoriKurenaiYume/pseuds/MidoriKurenaiYume
Summary: All the Masters and Servants of the Fourth Grail War have an account on a group chat, created by Rider, called 'Holy Grail Contest'.Rumours spread fast, and the latest rumour is that Archer and Saber are in a relationship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically what happens when I have some time to mess with the Fate/Zero characters :P Heartfelt thanks to MimiBlue for editing this super fast!  
> Title: from a simple yet still lovely Kalafina song ;) (it's in the album 'Red Moon')
> 
> Note: I chose to write everyone's name as forename-surname, therefore not the Japanese way.

…

...

Irisviel von Einzbern: Saber!!! So you weren’t kidding on the phone call? What you said was true??? Are you really in a relationship with Archer?

Saber: Although I would have preferred not to have this as the subject of discussion here, what you are saying is correct.

Irisviel von Einzbern: Kyaaaaaa Saber I’m so happy for you!! Congratulations to you both! Such exciting times ahead of you! This is great news, isn’t it, Kiritsugu?

Kiritsugu Emiya: Hn.

Assassin: Servants can have relationships?

Kirei Kotomine: Seems like your Master doesn’t care about your sexual life at all, Saber.

Caster: Noooooo my Holy Virgin!!!

Archer: Shut up, you mongrel.

Berserker: Growl!

Lancer: Heartfelt congratulations, Saber, Archer.

Archer: Shut up as well, second and third mongrel.

Rider: Joyous moments to come for sure, as the Einzbern says! Are we soon to expect a wedding?

Archer: Most certainly.

Saber: Most certainly _not_.

Irisviel von Einzbern: Oohh a wedding! So soon!! Oh please Saber, allow me to help you choose your dress!

Saber: Irisviel, if a wedding were to take place, I could not ask for a better bridesmaid, but as I am not to be married, your kind offer is not needed.

Irisviel von Einzbern: But Saber…!

Lancer: If you will get married, Saber, I humbly ask for the honour of giving away the undefeated King of Knights.

Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri: That is a very interesting idea. I will of course accompany you, Lancer. You need a plus one, after all.

Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald: Sola-Ui… you are engaged to _me_ …!

Caster: Jeanne! You cannot! You will not!

Ryuunosuke Uryuu: Hm? Who?

Kirei Kotomine: I foresee much more interesting times ahead. All the while Saber’s Master doesn’t seem to care in the least about his Servant’s affiliations.

Tokiomi Tohsaka: I don’t see anything detrimental in an allegiance with the Einzberns, Kirei.

Kariya Matou: Tokiomi…! You monster…!

 _ Kariya Matou _ _has left the group_

Archer: Tokiomi, you have gardening jobs to oversee, and are _not_ to have _any_ kind of say in my choice of a spouse.

Tokiomi Tohsaka: …you are right of course, my King.

Saber: As no wedding is to happen, this conversation has no reason to be, but your request is an honour for me as well, Lancer.

Lancer: I am profoundly touched, Saber.

Archer: Not one mongrel is worthy enough to be at our wedding, Saber. A wedding is between two people; no one else has the right to be present.

Saber: Archer – Irisviel is my true Master and a good friend, and Lancer is as honourable as a knight. I will choose whom to invite without you deciding for me.

Saber: And in any case, this conversation should not be happening, as there will be _no_ wedding.

Rider: A wedding! Surely there will be a large party afterwards, with drinks and entertainment for everyone! I will fetch the wine!

Waver Velvet: Rider, read the messages more carefully before replying to them! Saber clearly specified there would be no wedding. And you have no taste in wine anyway.

Rider: Oh, my bad, Saber! I thought your husband stated the opposite…?

Waver Velvet: He’s not her husband _until_ they get married, Rider!

Irisviel von Einzbern: Husband? Husband!? Oohh Saber, you’re _already_ married?

Saber: I am _not_!

Waver Velvet: …My belated congratulations, Archer, Saber.

Archer: Too many mongrels. Far too many mongrels. Do they reproduce in their sleep, I wonder.

Saber: For the last time – I am _not_ married, nor do I intend to be any time soon, in spite of what Archer may say.

Archer: We will see about that, my queen.

Kirei Kotomine: Things are getting more and more interesting.

 _ Archer _ _has removed Assassin and Kirei Kotomine_

Caster: My Jeanne will not leave me…!

 _ Archer _ _has removed Caster and Ryuunosuke Uryuu_

Tokiomi Tohsaka: …I didn’t know Archer had the power to remove people from this group chat.

Archer: A day full of surprises, Tokiomi, and you should rejoice, as there is another one for you.

 _ Archer _ _has removed Tokiomi Tohsaka_

Rider: Hey Archer, your Master is right! Since when do you have the power to remove people from the chat _I_ created?

Waver Velvet: Rider don’t!

Archer: Since I decided so.

 _ Archer _ _has removed Rider and Waver Velvet_

Archer: Staying silent will not save you, mongrels.

_Archer has removed  Lancer, Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri and Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald_

Berserker: GRoooooooooowl!

Archer: Tch.

 _ Archer _ _has removed Berserker_

Irisviel von Einzbern: Since Archer is going to remove me and Kiritsugu as well, I’ll just take this opportunity to tell you, Saber, that Illya would love to bring the rings for you, if you wish! And even though I know that red and gold are the King of Heroes’ favourite colours, I don’t think they would suit you very much, Saber, therefore I suggest for him to wear _your_ colours instead ;)

 _ Archer _ _has removed Irisviel von Einzbern and Kiritsugu Emiya_

Saber: You didn’t even give me the time to thank Irisviel for her generous suggestions!

Archer: She was in no position to suggest such a thing.

Saber: Of course she was! And you’ve removed _everyone_ from the group!

Archer: Except you, my queen.

Saber: Stop calling me that, or I will break up with you.

Archer: …that displeases me greatly. I will call you my treasure then.

Saber: No, Archer.

Archer: …my lioness.

Saber: NO.

Archer: …

Saber: Archer… _Gilgamesh_. I have a name. You have earned the right to use it.

Archer: Arturia.

Saber: Yes. That is my name.

Archer: …the white doll wasn’t completely in the wrong.

Saber: Don’t call her that. I assume you aren’t talking about little Illya carrying the rings.

Archer: No mongrel or doll will touch the golden band I have chosen for you, Arturia.

Saber: …we are _not_ getting married.

Archer: Yes, we are.

Saber: No, we are _not_. Not even if you follow Irisviel’s suggestion and wear my colours.

Archer: I want you to be my wife, Arturia.

Saber: We have been together a _week_ , Gilgamesh.

Archer: Indeed. Far too long. Marriage is the logical consequence.

Saber: …you are not normal.

Archer: I am fully aware of my greatness, of which only you are worthy.

Saber: …I believe it’s best if we switch to real conversations instead of chats.

Archer: Tokiomi is no longer around, you should come here.

Saber: What?! Gilgamesh, did you kill him?!?

Archer: Tch. Not worth it. I simply drank his entire supposedly priceless collection of wine. Apparently part of it didn’t belong to him, so he’s now busy trying to explain his predicament to the real owners.

Saber: Gilgamesh! How could you!

Archer: I don’t see why he bothers. None of the wines were even remotely close to decent.

Saber: Gilgamesh, that’s not the point!

Archer: The point is that you are expected here.

Saber: …

Saber: Gilgamesh, if you pay Tokiomi back for the wine you stole from him, then I will come.

Archer: Anything for my queen.

Saber: I told you not to call me that.

Archer: But as I am a king, that is who you will be, by becoming my bride.

Saber: I am a king as well. That means that you will be _my_ queen too.

Archer: …definitely not.

Saber: That’s the deal – if I marry you, I become your queen only if you become mine.

Holy Grail: FINALLY things are getting interesting.

...

…

End?


End file.
